\u3053\u306e\u4e8c\u65e5\u9593\u3001\u672c\u5f53\u306b\u4f55\u306b\u3082\u3084\u308a\u305f\u304f\u306a\u304b\u3063\u305f\u3002<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u671d\u8d77\u304d\u3066\u3001\u307c\u3093\u3084\u308a\u3057\u3066\u3001\u307e\u305f\u6a2a\u306b\u306a\u3063\u3066\u3001\u307c\u3093\u3084\u308a\u3059\u308b\u3002\u4ed5\u4e8b\u306f\u3042\u308b\u306e\u306b\u3001\u3084\u3089\u306a\u304d\u3083\u3044\u3051\u306a\u3044\u3053\u3068\u3082\u5c71\u307b\u3069\u3042\u308b\u306e\u306b\u3001\u4f53\u304c\u52d5\u304b\u306a\u3044\u3002\u5fc3\u304c\u3082\u3046\u300c\u7121\u7406\u300d\u3063\u3066\u8a00\u3063\u3066\u3044\u308b\u3002\u305d\u3093\u306a\u4e8c\u65e5\u9593\u3060\u3063\u305f\u3002<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u304d\u3063\u304b\u3051\u306f\u3001\u5bb6\u65cf\u9593\u306e\u3061\u3087\u3063\u3068\u3057\u305f\u885d\u7a81\u3060\u3063\u305f\u3002\u8a73\u3057\u304f\u306f\u66f8\u304b\u306a\u3044\u3051\u308c\u3069\u3001\u308f\u304c\u5bb6\u306b\u306f\u3044\u308d\u3044\u308d\u3042\u308b\u3002<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u79c1\u81ea\u8eab\u306b\u3082\u3001\u606f\u5b50\u306b\u3082\u3001\u305d\u308c\u305e\u308c\u306b\u4e8b\u60c5\u304c\u3042\u3063\u3066\u3001\u305d\u3057\u3066\u79c1\u306e\u5b9f\u5bb6\u306b\u306f\u3001\u307e\u305f\u5225\u306e\u4e8b\u60c5\u304c\u3042\u308b\u3002\u4fa1\u5024\u89b3\u3082\u3001\u751f\u304d\u3066\u304d\u305f\u6642\u4ee3\u3082\u3001\u8003\u3048\u65b9\u3082\u3001\u305c\u3093\u3076\u9055\u3046\u4e09\u4e16\u4ee3\u3002\u305d\u308c\u304c\u3001\u3075\u3068\u3057\u305f\u77ac\u9593\u306b\u3076\u3064\u304b\u308b\u3002<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u305d\u306e\u65e5\u3082\u3001\u3076\u3064\u304b\u3063\u305f\u3002<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u606f\u5b50\u306f\u6012\u3063\u305f\u3002\u79c1\u306f\u3001\u606f\u5b50\u304c\u6012\u3063\u305f\u3053\u3068\u306b\u52d5\u63fa\u3057\u305f\u3002\u305d\u3057\u3066\u3001\u305d\u306e\u52d5\u63fa\u306e\u5965\u3067\u3001\u5b50\u3069\u3082\u306e\u9803\u306e\u81ea\u5206\u304c\u9854\u3092\u51fa\u3057\u305f\u6c17\u304c\u3057\u305f\u3002<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u300c\u307e\u305f\u304b\u300d\u3068\u601d\u3063\u305f\u3002 \u300c\u3042\u3042\u3001\u3053\u308c\u306f\u3001\u305a\u3063\u3068\u7d9a\u3044\u3066\u3044\u308b\u8a71\u306a\u3093\u3060\u306a\u300d\u3068\u601d\u3063\u305f\u3002<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u79c1\u3068\u606f\u5b50\u306f\u3001\u305d\u308c\u305e\u308c\u306b\u3001\u4e16\u9593\u304c\u601d\u3046\u300c\u3075\u3064\u3046\u300d\u304b\u3089\u306f\u5c11\u3057\u305a\u3064\u30ba\u30ec\u3066\u3044\u308b\u3068\u3053\u308d\u304c\u3042\u308b\u3002\u611f\u3058\u65b9\u3082\u3001\u3082\u306e\u306e\u53d7\u3051\u53d6\u308a\u65b9\u3082\u3001\u4eba\u3068\u306f\u9055\u3046\u90e8\u5206\u304c\u3042\u308b\u3002\uff08\u8a73\u3057\u304f\u306f\u66f8\u3051\u306a\u3044\u3051\u308c\u3069\u2026\uff09<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u305d\u306e\u30ba\u30ec\u304c\u60aa\u3044\u308f\u3051\u3058\u3083\u306a\u3044\u3002\u305f\u3060\u3001\u30ba\u30ec\u3092\u300c\u9593\u9055\u3044\u300d\u3068\u898b\u306a\u3059\u4eba\u305f\u3061\u306e\u305d\u3070\u306b\u3044\u308b\u3068\u3001\u3057\u3093\u3069\u3044\u3002\u300c\u3042\u306a\u305f\u304c\u9593\u9055\u3063\u3066\u3044\u308b\u300d\u3068\u8a00\u308f\u308c\u7d9a\u3051\u308b\u3068\u3001\u81ea\u5206\u306e\u611f\u3058\u65b9\u305d\u306e\u3082\u306e\u3092\u7591\u3046\u3088\u3046\u306b\u306a\u308b\u3002<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u79c1\u306f\u9577\u3044\u3053\u3068\u3001\u81ea\u5206\u306e\u611f\u3058\u65b9\u3092\u7591\u3063\u3066\u304d\u305f\u3002<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\n\u300c\u3053\u308c\u304f\u3089\u3044\u3067\u50b7\u3064\u304f\u79c1\u304c\u304a\u304b\u3057\u3044\u306e\u304b\u3082\u300d \u300c\u3053\u3093\u306a\u3053\u3068\u3067\u75b2\u308c\u308b\u79c1\u304c\u5f31\u3044\u306e\u304b\u3082\u300d \u300c\u79c1\u306e\u53d7\u3051\u53d6\u308a\u65b9\u304c\u3001\u306d\u3058\u308c\u3066\u3044\u308b\u306e\u304b\u3082\u300d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n
\u3067\u3082\u3001\u6700\u8fd1\u3084\u3063\u3068\u601d\u3046\u3088\u3046\u306b\u306a\u3063\u305f\u3002<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u304a\u304b\u3057\u304f\u306a\u3044\u3057\u3001\u5f31\u304f\u306a\u3044\u3057\u3001\u306d\u3058\u308c\u3066\u3082\u3044\u306a\u3044\u3002 \u305f\u3060\u3001\u7269\u4e8b\u306e\u53d7\u3051\u53d6\u308a\u65b9\u304c\u9055\u3046\u3060\u3051\u3002<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u5bb9\u91cf\u30aa\u30fc\u30d0\u30fc\u306e\u4e8c\u65e5\u9593<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\u4ed5\u4e8b\u3082\u3057\u3066\u3044\u308b\u3002\u5c0f\u5b66\u6821\u306e\u6559\u54e1\u3092\u3057\u3066\u3044\u308b\u3002\u5b50\u3069\u3082\u305f\u3061\u306f\u53ef\u611b\u3044\u3002\u4ed5\u4e8b\u306f\u597d\u304d\u3060\u3002<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u3067\u3082\u3001\u5c11\u3057\u524d\u306b\uff14\u30f6\u6708\u4f11\u8077\u3057\u305f\u3002\u307e\u3060\u5b8c\u5168\u306b\u306f\u7652\u3048\u3066\u3044\u306a\u3044\u50b7\u304c\u3042\u308b\u3002\u305d\u3053\u306b\u5bb6\u5ead\u306e\u3053\u3068\u304c\u91cd\u306a\u308b\u3068\u3001\u5bb9\u91cf\u30aa\u30fc\u30d0\u30fc\u306b\u306a\u308b\u3002<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u4e8c\u65e5\u9593\u3001\u5ec3\u4eba\u307f\u305f\u3044\u306b\u8ee2\u304c\u3063\u3066\u3044\u305f\u81ea\u5206\u3092\u3001\u6700\u521d\u306f\u8cac\u3081\u305f\u3002<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u300c\u4ed5\u4e8b\u3082\u3057\u305f\u3044\u306e\u306b\u300d \u300c\u3084\u308b\u3053\u3068\u304c\u3042\u308b\u306e\u306b\u300d \u300c\u306a\u3093\u3067\u52d5\u3051\u306a\u3044\u3093\u3060\u308d\u3046\u300d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u3067\u3082\u3001\u305f\u3076\u3093\u3001\u3053\u308c\u3067\u3088\u304b\u3063\u305f\u3093\u3060\u3068\u601d\u3046\u3002<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u52d5\u3051\u306a\u3044\u3068\u304d\u306b\u52d5\u3053\u3046\u3068\u3059\u308b\u3068\u3001\u3082\u3063\u3068\u58ca\u308c\u308b\u3002\u524d\u56de\u3001\uff14\u30f6\u6708\u4f11\u3080\u3053\u3068\u306b\u306a\u3063\u305f\u3068\u304d\u3001\u79c1\u306f\u305d\u308c\u3092\u5b66\u3093\u3060\u306f\u305a\u3060\u3063\u305f\u3002\u306a\u306e\u306b\u3001\u307e\u305f\u5fd8\u308c\u304b\u3051\u3066\u3044\u305f\u3002<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u4f11\u3080\u306e\u306f\u3001\u30b5\u30dc\u308a\u3058\u3083\u306a\u3044\u3002 \u58ca\u308c\u306a\u3044\u305f\u3081\u306e\u3001\u30e1\u30f3\u30c6\u30ca\u30f3\u30b9\u3060\u3002<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u308f\u304b\u308a\u5408\u3046\u3053\u3068\u3092\u3001\u76ee\u6a19\u306b\u3057\u306a\u3044<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\u5bb6\u65cf\u306e\u3053\u3068\u306f\u3001\u305f\u3076\u3093\u3001\u3053\u308c\u304b\u3089\u3082\u7d9a\u304f\u3002\u4e00\u56de\u306e\u885d\u7a81\u3067\u4f55\u304b\u304c\u89e3\u6c7a\u3059\u308b\u3053\u3068\u306f\u306a\u3044\u3057\u3001\u308f\u304b\u308a\u5408\u3048\u308b\u65e5\u304c\u6765\u308b\u304b\u3069\u3046\u304b\u3082\u308f\u304b\u3089\u306a\u3044\u3002\u6765\u306a\u3044\u304b\u3082\u3057\u308c\u306a\u3044\u3002<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u305d\u308c\u3092\u300c\u6765\u308b\u306f\u305a\u300d\u3068\u4fe1\u3058\u3066\u9811\u5f35\u308a\u3059\u304e\u308b\u3068\u3001\u307e\u305f\u81ea\u5206\u304c\u58ca\u308c\u308b\u3002<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u3060\u304b\u3089\u4eca\u306f\u3001\u308f\u304b\u308a\u5408\u3046\u3053\u3068\u3092\u76ee\u6a19\u306b\u3057\u306a\u3044\u3002<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u305f\u3060\u3001\u81ea\u5206\u3092\u5b88\u308b\u3053\u3068\u3002 \u606f\u5b50\u3092\u5b88\u308b\u3053\u3068\u3002 \u305d\u308c\u3060\u3051\u3092\u3001\u4eca\u65e5\u306e\u30c6\u30fc\u30de\u306b\u3059\u308b\u3002<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u660e\u65e5\u3082\u540c\u3058\u30c6\u30fc\u30de\u304b\u3082\u3057\u308c\u306a\u3044\u3002\u660e\u5f8c\u65e5\u3082\u3002\u305d\u308c\u3067\u3044\u3044\u3068\u601d\u3063\u3066\u3044\u308b\u3002<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u3050\u3061\u3083\u3050\u3061\u3083\u306e\u307e\u307e\u3001\u66f8\u3044\u3066\u3044\u3044<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
\u4f55\u306b\u3082\u3084\u308a\u305f\u304f\u306a\u3044\u65e5\u304c\u3042\u3063\u3066\u3001\u3044\u3044\u3068\u601d\u3046\u3002 \u4f55\u306b\u3082\u3084\u308a\u305f\u304f\u306a\u3044\u65e5\u304c\u4e8c\u65e5\u7d9a\u3044\u3066\u3082\u3001\u3044\u3044\u3068\u601d\u3046\u3002 \u52d5\u3051\u306a\u3044\u65e5\u306e\u81ea\u5206\u3092\u3001\u8cac\u3081\u306a\u304f\u3066\u3044\u3044\u3068\u601d\u3046\u3002<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u79c1\u306f\u307e\u3060\u3001\u7b54\u3048\u3092\u6301\u3063\u3066\u3044\u306a\u3044\u3002\u5bb6\u65cf\u3068\u306e\u8ddd\u96e2\u306e\u53d6\u308a\u65b9\u3082\u3001\u81ea\u5206\u306e\u6574\u3048\u65b9\u3082\u3001\u6a21\u7d22\u4e2d\u3060\u3002<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u305f\u3060\u3001\u3053\u3046\u3084\u3063\u3066\u66f8\u3044\u3066\u307f\u3066\u3001\u3072\u3068\u3064\u3060\u3051\u308f\u304b\u3063\u305f\u3053\u3068\u304c\u3042\u308b\u3002<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u3050\u3061\u3083\u3050\u3061\u3083\u306e\u307e\u307e\u3001\u3050\u3061\u3083\u3050\u3061\u3083\u3068\u66f8\u3044\u3066\u3044\u3044\u3002 \u6574\u3048\u308b\u524d\u306e\u6c17\u6301\u3061\u306b\u3082\u3001\u3061\u3083\u3093\u3068\u610f\u5473\u304c\u3042\u308b\u3002<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u4eca\u65e5\u306f\u305d\u308c\u3060\u3051\u3001\u66f8\u304d\u7559\u3081\u3066\u304a\u3053\u3046\u3068\u601d\u3046\u3002<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u30fcAmelie.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
On Days When I Don’t Want to Do Anything<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
For two days, I really didn’t want to do anything.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Wake up in the morning, space out, lie down again, space out again. There was work to do. There were mountains of things I had to do. But my body wouldn’t move. My heart was already saying, “I can’t.” That was the kind of two days it was.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It started with a small clash<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
It started with a small clash within the family. I won’t go into the details, but there’s a lot going on in our household.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I have my own circumstances, my son has his, and my parents’ home has yet another set of circumstances. Three generations with completely different values, different eras lived through, different ways of thinking. And every so often, in some small moment, they collide.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That day, they collided.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
My son got angry. I was shaken by his anger. And somewhere deep in that shaken feeling, I think the child-version of me showed her face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Here we go again,” I thought. “Ah, this is something that has been going on forever, isn’t it,” I thought.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When you’re told over and over that “off” means “wrong”<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
My son and I are each, in our own ways, a little bit “off” from what the world considers “normal.” The way we feel things, the way we receive things\u2014there are parts that are different from other people. (I can’t go into specifics, but…)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There’s nothing wrong with being off. It’s just that, when you’re around people who treat being off as being wrong, it wears you down. When someone keeps telling you “you’re the one who’s wrong,” you start to doubt your own way of feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For a long time, I doubted my own way of feeling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Maybe I’m strange for getting hurt by something this small.” “Maybe I’m weak for getting tired by something like this.” “Maybe my way of taking things in is twisted.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But lately, I’ve finally started to think:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I’m not strange, I’m not weak, and I’m not twisted. I just receive things differently.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Two days of running over capacity<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
I work too. I’m an elementary school teacher. The children are sweet. I love my work.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But a little while ago, I took four months of leave. There are wounds that haven’t fully healed. When family things pile on top of that, I run over capacity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For those two days, I lay around like a wreck, and at first I blamed myself for it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I want to work too.” “There are things I need to do.” “Why can’t I move?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But probably, this was okay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When you try to move on the days you can’t move, you break further. Last time, when I had to take four months off, I was supposed to have learned that. And yet, I was starting to forget again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Resting isn’t slacking off. It’s maintenance\u2014what keeps you from breaking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Don’t make “understanding each other” the goal<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
The family situation will probably keep going. One clash isn’t going to resolve anything, and I don’t know if a day will come when we understand each other. It might not come at all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
If I push myself too hard believing it “should” come, I’ll break again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So for now, I won’t make understanding each other the goal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Just protecting myself. Just protecting my son. That alone is today’s theme.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Tomorrow’s theme might be the same. The day after, too. And I think that’s fine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It’s okay to write while still a mess<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
It’s okay to have days when you don’t want to do anything. It’s okay to have two days in a row when you don’t want to do anything. It’s okay not to blame yourself on the days you can’t move.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I still don’t have the answers. How to keep distance with family, how to settle myself\u2014I’m still figuring it out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But by writing this out, I’ve understood one thing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It’s okay to write while still a mess, in a messy way. The feelings before they’re sorted out also have their own meaning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
That’s all I want to write down today.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u30fcAmelie.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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